Sirius' Inbox
by draco-is-the-punk
Summary: Hey guys! It's Sirius! This is my new email address! How are you all? See you! x And by the way, due to high demand, I have created the other side of the story. Yes, Sirius' Outbox is now up. Enjoy!
1. Inbox

From: m00nh0wler

are your hols? I hope you've done all your homework; I won't bail your sorry ass next time! Yes, I'm watching you! So go! Now! And do your homework! As soon as you have finished this e-mail! My holidays are very boring so far… wish you guys were here! I'm thinking of growing my hair a bit; the spiky brunette look is getting a bit old, don't you think? E-mail back ASAP! Oh, and if you talk to James ever… MAKE HIM CHECK HIS E-MAIL!!! That guy never looks in his inbox…

Love From

Your Favourite Werewolf and esteemed Intellectual

Remus Lupin.

* * *

From: h4lfbl00dpr1nce

I bet you thought that was really funny Black. Well guess what… I don't. No, very immature, and sad and stupid. Nobody else thought it was funny either. Next time it will be YOU who everybody will be laughing at, and I shall be the one who everybody will respect and admire. I won't have to try very hard. After all, I am much smarter than you. So be afraid, Black. I would watch your back if I were you….

Your Worst Nightmare

Severus Snape

* * *

From: RedHex

We have received your order of

black leather jacket (x 1)

black skinny jeans (x 3)

lycra t-shirt in midnight coal (x 5)

studded belt (x 1)

black combat trousers (x 1)

black doc martens (x 1)

black sneakers (x 1)

You should receive your parcel in 5-6 days. Thank you for shopping at the Red Hex Fashion Warehouse. Please enjoy your purchases, and feel free to make many more in the future.

Cindy Westwood

Red Hex Fashion Warehouse.

* * *

From: p0tionzpr1ncess

Is quidditchhero69 James's e-mail or did I get the wrong one? It's just he never answers my e-mails and I wondered if I had written the wrong one down or something?

See you,

Lily

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

No! I am NOT dyeing my hair black. No way. I am growing it longer, but that is IT. I don't care how "hot" black hair is. My hair will stay its gorgeous natural honey brown and there is nothing you can do about it!

Did you get a threatening e-mail off Snape? I got one as well. I guess he found out it was us, huh? Well, he can't touch us. I'd like to see him try. I started reading an interesting book called "The Midnight Werewolf." Have you read it?

Lots of Love and Hugs

Lord Moony Esquire

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

I did not say your hair was hot!! I was being sarcastic! And of course I am obsessed with werewolves you idiot! I am a werewolf!! Idiot!! The book is veeeery good; you should try reading some time instead of thinking up witty comments. My hair is a whole inch longer than when you last saw me. It is very nice looking! I use Herbal Essences shampoo so it smells nice and is all soft and silky unlike _yours_!!

He of the Magnificent Hair

Mr Remus Moony

* * *

From: quidditchhero69

whoah sirius that is completely insane111 hey how come I cant get that dumb exclamation mark to work///// this computer is soooo stupid1111 oh and lily sent me like 30 e-mails, I was just like whoah and I emailed back but I think she's kinda mad at me or something cos I didn't reply before//// I dunno, well I'll see you guys in september if I don't talk to you before111

bye111

James

* * *

From: h4lfbl00dprince

No, I am not scared. You are. You can't scare me. I am unshakeable, and you are trembling in fear. And what do you mean have a bath? For your information I wash regularly, unlike some. So have a bath yourself, loser.

Completely better than you.

S. Snape.

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

That is just… Sirius!! No, I do not do ANYTHING in the shower with Herbal Essences. What shampoo do you use then? I bet it sucks. And what do you mean you have better things to do than read a boring book? Books aren't boring!! I am glaring at you now!!

Love you too, Moony

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

You are joking aren't you? Ugh. You better be joking! Anyway, if you did, your hair would be all disgusting, greasy and slimy, and it isn't, it's nice and soft and normal, although it is much too long! You need to cut it!

Mr Faultless Hair

xx

* * *

From: kissmeimscottish92

Mr Black,

Thank you for the gift package of fudge and toffees. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to overlook the serious allegations made against you by Severus Snape. You will be required to attend detention on the first Tuesday of term.

Thanks again for the toffees. And by the way, you can call me Minerva if we are just talking by e-mail.

Hope to see you soon!

Minerva McGonagall.

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOUR HAIR!!!! You have very nice hair, but I much prefer my own, thank you very much. And as for Professor "call me Minerva" McGonagall, quite frankly I suggest you report her to Dumbledore. That is student harassment in the making. Tell me if she asks to meet you, and I'll hex her for you.

Indignantly Outraged,

Remus Lupin

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

What do you mean I'm jealous? Can't a man be protective of his friend? Is that what you're saying? Would you rather I allowed you to be taken advantage of by old women? Would you? Without me to protect you, god knows what would happen to you! Rocketing around on that bloody bike of yours… I am merely expressing my concern for your wellbeing. That is all.

Buena Amigo

Moony.

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

Yeah, Buena is female, but Amigo is male, so ha. I win, you lose. Moony 1, Padfoot 0. Go me! I rule! And don't you call me an old woman! I am a man as much as you. More mature, sure, but compared to you, that would not be very hard, now would it? Wait a minute… if I'm an old woman… that would mean I was taking advantage of you! Is that what you were insinuating?

Confused but very much masculine

King Remus

* * *

From: ratpack44

Please can you help with Transfiguration homework? I really don't understand what we have to do… is it two paragraphs for each spell? I don't understand. Please help! Also for History of Magic, do we need to know all the goblins? What were they called? I wasn't listening in class! Please help! Please!

Yours Pleadingly

Peter

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

Sirius, Sirius. You need to get out more. Proved by your "you can take advantage of me all you want," comment. As well as your "you sure are a man" one… well thank you for the compliment Padfoot, but I don't need you to tell me that. I knew it already. Is this flattery a cunning plan to get me to tell you the answers to the Charms homework?

Yours forever,

Your One True Love (not)

Remus xxxxxxx (lol)

* * *

From:: ratpack44

Thank you, thank you thank you Sirius! You saved my life! Thank you so much! I worship you, my idol Padfoot! Many thanks and gratitude! You are the true ruler of the world!

Your Loyal Servant

Peter

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

I really hope you were joking in your last e-mail. That e-mail made me blush and look quickly around to check nobody was reading it… and blush some more. It is most inappropriate language for a young man to be using. And no, I shall not be doing anything of the sort.

Appalled yet slightly curious,

Moony

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

Dear Sirius…

Not likely! However tempting your offer may be, I will politely refuse, thank you very much. For now anyway….

Remus

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

I AM NOT PLAYING HARD TO GET!!!

* * *

From: ratpack44

Do we have to mention Switching Spells in our essay?

Confused

Peter

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

Come on Sirius… stop ignoring me! How was I mean to you??? I wasn't mean to you! Talk to meeeeeee!!!

Love you

Remus

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

I did not admit anything… yet! What do I mean by that you wonder? Wouldn't you like to know!

The Right Honourable Remus Lupin


	2. You have mail

From: quidditchhero69

I sent this e-mail to you because you are a special friend. Forward this e-mail to fifteen other friends and tomorrow at midnight your true love will e-mail you and tell you how they feel. If you don't do this, your love life will be doomed forever and tonight you will be killed tragically by ninja Hippogriffs. You have been warned.

SCROLL DOWN

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Now send this e-mail on!!

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

Did you get that crappy chain e-mail from James? The one e-mail he sends me is a load of rubbish like that! I hope you didn't send it on!

Abhorring all Chain mail

Remus

* * *

From: ratpack44

Ohmigosh, did you get that e-mail off James? Do you think it would actually work? I don't have fifteen contacts to send it to! Is it cursed or something? I'm really scared now…

Peter

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

Yeah I know! Me neither. As if, though! Apparently he's been e-mailing Lily. So she means more to him than us, huh? Well I know where I stand… Girls huh? Who needs them? We can function perfectly without females.

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

Geez, I didn't mean it like that! Your imagination is dire. Is that all you think about? It seems to be all you talk about. Or is it just to me?

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

Indeed? I feel flattered and privileged. But ever so slightly scared. I shall go now to hide in the closet. When I come out of the closet I expect you to be acting civilized.

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

I didn't mean it like that! I meant come out of the closet as in exiting a small store cupboard, not as in… oh forget it. You're completely hopeless. I shall let you think your twisted thoughts but it doesn't mean I have to respond.

Ignoring You

Remus Lupin

* * *

From: p0tionzpr1ncess

Hey Sirius! Is James on holiday or something? He hasn't answered my last e-mail, and you know, he usually answers right away, and it's been a few days, so I just wondered if there was a reason.

Lily

* * *

From: p0tionzpr1ncess

Well fine. You don't have to be so rude about it. And since when did James "drop all his friends for some chick?" And I am not "some chick," thank you very much! Honestly, I thought James was the arrogant chauvinist?

PMT much?

Lily

* * *

From: p0tionzpr1ncess

That's all right. I accept your apology. Are you in a bad mood or something? Your last e-mail was very mean.

Lily

* * *

From: p0tionzpr1ncess

No way! Who is it? I promise I won't tell anybody. Have you told this person about your feelings? E-mail back ASAP!

* * *

From: quidditchhero69

Lily just told me you fancy Remus!! Oh my god!! Is she joking????

James

PS Lily taught me how to use the shift key. Dumb computer.

* * *

From: quidditchhero69

Hey!!! Don't you dare insult Lily! She didn't tell everybody; just me. Because we tell each other everything. And she might have told Peter as well. And some of her friends. But that's all, I swear. It's not true anyway… is it??

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

Okay, I'm talking to you! I admit it; I just wanted to see you down on your knees begging for forgiveness. It feels nice to finally have some control over you! And don't you dare make anything dodgy out of that!

Remus

* * *

From: m00nh0wler

Did you know that the whole school thinks you fancy me?? I just had about fifty e-mails from random girls asking if it was true. Who the hell started a crazy rumour like that??

Love From

Remus x

* * *

From: ratpack44

Do you really fancy Remus???

* * *

From: MrsSiriusBlack

Omgz Sirius, I heard that somebody said you were like totally in love with Remus and I said yeah right he is like totally not, but everybody like thinks you are but it isn't true is it????????? Cause I would totally like die if you were gay or whatever cause I love you sooooooo much so please please please say it isn't true cause I can't live without you Sirius!!!

Lots and lots and lots of love

Your future wife

xxxxxxxxx


	3. Love letters and mysterious blondes

**It's back! And this is the long awaited chapter where Remus and Sirius finally… well you'll just have to read it and find out, won't you?**

From: m00nh0wler

I just read a really good book by a muggle author, it's called the Catcher in the Rye. If you have got over your literature hatred then maybe you would want to borrow it. It is, as I say, very good. It may be the kind of fiction that you would like to read. You don't know until you try.

Remus

* * *

From: m00nh0wler 

I do not! You are just plain pugnacious and jealous of moi, your intellectual superior. So there. Not lending you the book now.

* * *

From: quidditchhero69 

Did you send me that computer virus??? Not funny. It wiped off loads of my files, and I got them back okay but it was really annoying. So don't do it again! I would send you one back if I knew how.

* * *

From: quidditchhero69 

… Shut up! Anyway, you got a date to the dance yet? I bet you have queues of potentials, as usual!

* * *

From: quidditchhero69 

What do you mean by that? I don't… I'm going with Lily.

* * *

From: quidditchhero69 

Hey!! That's mean… I'll tell her you said that!

* * *

From: m00nh0wler 

Pugnacious means argumentative. And you have good looks; that would be why twelve girls asked you to the dance today.

Remus

* * *

From: m00nh0wler 

I was commenting on your physical appearance I think you'll find, not admitting sexual attraction to you. Even Peter says you're flipping gorgeous. Mind you… in his case it probably is sexual attraction.

* * *

From: m00nh0wler 

Well… he is okay looking. But why go for Peter when you have a whole spectrum of possibilities right under your nose?! All those screaming fan girls for you to choose from…

* * *

From: m00nh0wler 

No, I assure you, you do not. I thank you for your praise… but when compared to the teeny bopper parade it isn't exactly a compliment is it?

Remus

* * *

From: allrealblacksareslytherins 

Sirius, if I was not your brother I would call you a son of a bitch. Don't e-mail me again.

Regulus

* * *

From: m00nh0wler 

I would rather die shudders imagine that… such a scary thought. Well, as I said before, Wormtail is perhaps bordering on the crazed teenie. But I am not.

* * *

From: m00nh0wler 

Trust me, I would never run after you begging you for anything. I would expect you would give me whatever I wanted without having to ask smirks

* * *

From: purebloodblonde666 

Hey, is that Sirius Black?

I want to tell you that if I was not a die-hard trainee Death Eater and you were not a straight Gryffindor, I would quite probably fancy you. As it is, I will have to get my kicks from harassing you online. So what colour boxers are you wearing?

PS. If you think I'm Snape, I am definitely not. Yuck.

* * *

From: m00nh0wler 

Yeah, but I never said I WOULD ask for anything like that, did I? Anyway, you never denied the fact that you WOULD give me that if I asked for it, did you?

* * *

From: purebloodblonde666 

Yes, I am male. And very good looking. And blonde, as my screen name suggests. You like blondes?

* * *

From: m00nh0wler 

Who said I was flirting? Even if I was, am I not allowed to flirt? Is it a prerequisite of Remus Lupin to stay quiet and never have a meaningless flirt to pass the time?

PS. Regarding your online stalker, I would ask how old he is. In case it's some 50 year old pervert or something.

* * *

From: purebloodblonde666 

Hmm… a little older than you perhaps Black. I know your cousin Narcissa. I'm two years older than her. Not much older than you… you may consider me a pervert if you like. I like to think so. Although you don't appear altogether innocent yourself. Maybe we should meet up some time… compare notes.

* * *

From: m00nh0wler 

IGNORE HIM!! Don't answer his e-mails! And what makes you think it is more than meaningless? Have I ever given you reason to believe otherwise? I don't think so.

* * *

From: m00nh0wler 

Warm… for your form? Where did you get that from, a muggle movie? How am I stringing you along, anyway? I never actually said anything either way.

* * *

From: m00nh0wler 

So what if I told you I did like you? And what if I asked you to the dance? Where would we go from there?

* * *

From: purebloodblonde666 

Ignoring me now? If you don't watch out I might have to kidnap you and make you pay attention to me… and I am a hell of a lot bigger than you are.

* * *

From: m00nh0wler 

Then I do like you. And I would like you to go to the dance. With me. And I would like to beat up your scary blonde stalker. lol

* * *

From: m00nh0wler 

Well, I am your boyfriend now. That sounds so weird! Anyway, shouldn't I be allowed to get protective?? That dude sounds terrifying anyway. Have you… told anybody yet? About... us?

* * *

From: quidditchhero69 

OMG!! Really? You and Moony?? Now that's something I didn't see coming! Wait a minute… so it was true? Really? Seriously? Wait till Lily hears!! And Peter? Can I tell Frank and Alice as well??

* * *

From: m00nh0wler 

Just James, huh? Well, the whole school ought to know by now. I'm fine, thanks. Yeah, should be a great night. I can't dance, you know that? We could pretend I suppose.

Love you too

Remus


End file.
